Okay, I am probably not alone: when I talk
to people of
the opposite persuasion (whether it's about politics, religion,
maintenance of our household, family issues, whatever), I often
feel strongly. I tend to get hot under the collar, raise
my voice, be sarcastic and preachy, flash unkind glances, and
even give off vibes that the other person has no idea what he or
she is talking about. And pretty soon we're in a shouting
match, everyone is angry, and more often than not, they don't
want to discuss the issue because they're so angry, and I want
(against all odds) nothing more than to convince them of the
error of their reasoning. This is talking AT another
person, or TO another person. Note that the title of this
page is "Talking WITH...."
In this political climate, with so much at stake, it is vitally
important that we not play the one-up game, not make
enemies, not make them so angry they refuse to change, but
instead that we nicely, politely, persuade -- or even say
something that causes people to THINK.I hope
this will be an interactive page! We all need to share
what works and what doesn't so that we can hone our skills.
It's interesting to practice these techniques in other arenas
(work, family) to see if they're effective.
Please let me know your thoughts, experiences, and criticisms of
what's on this page, and I will try to publish them here.
Please let me know if I can identify you
on the page, and with what information. The email is:
talkingwith@springfieldtownshipdems.org.
I would like to thank Todd Smyth for his views and excellent
information at
http://www.grassrootsdems.net, from which I have gained many ideas. Todd also has a useful
list of definitions for those of us who are new to politics,
as well as many other ideas.
What follows is a list of suggestions which may be helpful. Your feedback on them will make them more helpful to
others.
Know your audience. Swing voters, the ones who vote
"for the candidate," are easier to reason with. If the
person is a Republican, what kind of Republican? You can
only find out by politely asking. A Pat Roberts Republican
or a John McCain Republican? Knowing who their heroes
are in the current political arena can help you judge
whether time spent with this person is worthwhile: Pat
Robertson, no; John McCain, yes. One-issue voters can be
tough; it's often instructive to ask whether anything else in
the world is important to them (oops! that sounds sarcastic!
Let's change that sentence to "it's often instructive to ask
what other issues concern them.")
Remember, too, what FDR said:
There are thousands of people who call themselves
Republicans who think as you and I do about government.
They are enrolled as Republicans because their families
have been Republicans for generations—that's the only
reason; some of them think it is beneath their dignity
to be called a Democrat; the Democrats in their village
are not the socially "nice" people the enrolled
Republicans are. So never attack the Republicans or the
Republican party—only the Republican leaders. Then any
Republican voter who hears it will say to himself:
"Well, he doesn't mean me. I don't believe in the things
that...reactionaries...believe in either."
Keep tabs on the emotional temperature. Talking
with implies a normal temperature. Sarcasm, implying that
they're an idiot, anger and screaming raise the temperature.
You can learn to lower the temperature by remaining calm,
lowering your voice even to a whisper, and by hearing them out
if they're angry. This does not mean that you should
speak without conviction. Conviction is everything.
Listen, listen, listen. That's one of the toughest
things to do, because most of us want to jump right in as soon
as they say something we disagree with. That only
escalates the "temperature." One of the most respectful --
and sometimes disconcerting to your audience -- things you can
do is to listen attentively until the person has run
out of things to say. Then pause, and see if you can
summarize to them what you understand about what they said.
Keep doing this until you clearly understand their
message -- then you'll accurately know what to respond to.
If there are areas of agreement, that helps build a bond and a basis for
discussion.
Never use the word "you" in a discussion; always use "I." "You"
usually begins a sentence such as "You ought to know better,"
"You !%$@&," or worse -- all temperature-raisers.
"You" statements often imply that you can read their mind, which
is not the case. (The exception is
when asking questions, such as "Do you believe that such-and
such?" or "Where did you find that information?")
"I"
statements do not imply mind-reading; thus they keep the temperature down.
"I" statements can not be rationally disputed, that is, no one
else can tell me what I'm thinking (they might hazard a guess,
but only I can confirm or deny)!
"Do not wait for
leaders; do it alone, person to person." -- Mother Teresa
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Pay attention to framing. If you haven't read
George Lakoff's short but enlightening book, "Don't Think of an
Elephant," do -- it makes the whole landscape look different.
You can also get info on framing at
http://www.rockridgeinstitute.org/ and at
http://www.georgelakoff.com/ .
Framing is not the answer to issues, but it is an
answer. For instance, how you "frame" an issue can clarify it.
Do we need "lobbying reform" in response to Abramoff, or do we
need "Congressional ethics"? "No child left behind" is a
Republican frame (which has fundamentalist religious overtones),
but the law is being used in a way that children pass tests
but don't learn how to think -- which means they will
be left behind when they get to the real world.
Humor is golden. Any time you can use it, you let
off steam, as long as it's not sarcastic humor. Good humor
can build bonds between people.
Sometimes laughing things off is the best way of coping.
During a "Honk and Wave" last fall for Reform Ohio Now, a
red-faced woman leaned halfway out of her SUV and yelled at a
couple of us, "YOU STUPID LIBERALS!" We dissolved in
laughter, which was good for us, and probably made her angrier
(which was okay since she was speeding away anyway).
You don't have to know everything, and admit it if you don't!
As Bertrand Russell said, "The whole problem with the world
is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves,
but wiser people so full of doubts." If you don't know
something, say so, get the person's name and how to contact
them, say you're going to research it or think about it and get
back to them, and DO. You'll be setting an example of
someone who is thoughtful and reasoned, and that alone can be a
bond.
Remember that the person with whom you are talking is a human
being and treat them as you would like to be treated.
Smile, and be friendly. Be polite and considerate. For
example, when you're phoning people about politics, first
announce who you are and why you're calling, remember
that you may be calling at an inconvenient time, and ask them if
it's a good time to talk for a few minutes. If not, when
can you call them back? Your goal is not to get through a
list of people, it is to make human contact, learn, and
persuade.
A conversation in a grocery store check-out line will be
different than one in your home, or on someone's front porch.
It is good to have appropriately quick, or detailed, answers
ready if you can. Short, clear answers are great -- please
send them to us so we can all learn!
Watch Paul Hackett on this -- he's a master.
It takes practice!
If you're not already good at it, be patient with yourself,
don't beat yourself up for your imagined failures. If you
lose your temper, apologize and forget it. If you succeed at making
someone think, pat yourself on the back and let us know!
The space below is for your real-life experiences in the world
of political persuasion. Let's help each other in this
area that can be so very important -- and even fun.
Thank you in advance for your input.
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